Thursday, December 27, 2012

Run Away

Run away…

Get away, away from an empty house, a house concealing its emptiness behind sparking lights and shiny baubles hung on a counterfeit fir. A place filled with the stagnant melodies proclaiming the joyous season adding to the pretense. A jumbled mess of partially completed projects strewn here and there, corners with cobwebs catching the castoff lint of life – some gratefully hidden behind closed doors. Plaster and brick share the unwanted cold day with the spaces inside, dull gray light seeps in through the windows from outside.

Run away… from the oppressive void that steals the energy of each morning, from the litany of “to do’s” that never seem to get done, from the failures and the errors in judgment. Leave the chill that uncomfortably wracks your body dulling your senses and your mind. From the fear, the lies and falsehoods that everything is alright, the deceptions that you've convinced yourself and others are true. From the exhaustion, the loneliness, the hollowness that makes up every day, every hour, every minute of your depression.

Run away… to see the rising sun from a different perspective, to feel the radiance of a new day, in a new place. Absorb the spontaneous energy from exploring the unknown and savor the small treasures to be found. Abandon the rigidness in favor of impulsiveness, yet spend the daylight wisely. Share the reality of you with those you encounter and relish in their sincere reactions. Give in slowly to the twilight and the mounting darkness; carry the thrill of the day into your dreams.

Run away… only to return… this time…

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I'm dreaming....

Beginning to look a lot like Christmas?

Not from my point of view... yes the tree is up and decorated and various Christmasy dust collectors have been scattered around the house.... the neighborhood houses have their lights strung and lit - emitting glorious colors from trees n eves n roof tops.
Presents have been tucked into secretive places throughout the houses or adorned with festive colored paper and ribbon and bows and placed under the tree...
Seasonal cookies and cakes n candies galore fill dishes and bowls and trays....

But where is the snow?
That glorious blanket of white crystals scattered across the landscape?
Reflecting the sun's radiance during the day and the multitude of colored lights in the night?
Where are the drifts and banks piled high beside the drives and sidewalks?

Where are the awkwardly built but so cute snowmen made from three high stacks of roundish shapes of glittering icy crystals?
Precarious shaped walls for protection and mounds of snowballs ready for launch?
No where to be found...
and not a thing to be done about it!?!
Yes I know the stats, we "rarely" have a white Christmas... here in Ski country
But still one can dream....
Sing it Bing!

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas,
just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten and children listen
to hear sleigh bells in the snow

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas,
just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten and children listen
to hear sleigh bells in the snow

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas,
with every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright,
and may all your Christmases be white

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas,
just like the ones I used to know
May your days be merry and bright,
and may all your Christmases be white

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas,
with every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright,
and may all your Christmases be white

May your days be merry and bright,
and may all your Christmases be white!!!!!!!!
Just dreamin...

Monday, December 10, 2012

Hello Again...

       I've let my writing slide, been spending a lot of time with my camera... among other things...Heck those are just excuses.. I was looking at the last couple of things that I posted and their dates. Haven't written a word here since July. I try to keep a journal of thoughts and ideas too... last entry was in July.
        July --- we had our little RVN reunion in July in Nebraska, me and a few of the guys from the 243rd. I saw friends I hadn't seen in 40 years... it was a truly awesome time. I hadn't felt so good about the time I spent in Vietnam in a long time. We all shared our stories, our memories, our disappointments. We all learned about the troubled times some of us have gone through over the last 40 years. The physical disabilities, the emotional issues, the hassles of putting the war away and getting on with life, trying so very hard to make things work, to establish a functional life in a society that hadn't totally accepted "us" or what we did. I thought at the time that I was one of the few to have "made it" without many - if any issues... maybe I was wrong?!? The people we met and that helped to host our get-together were magnificent... you couldn't have asked for any better treatment than what we received. It was very far from the experiences we had back in the 70's when we returned home.
        All that being said I didn't post a single picture here of the good times we had.... I didn't write a single word to share with you about how awesome it was to see and talk and hug and cry with guys I was so close to and still am... I struggle to answer why... I've known that this blog has sat vacant since then, I know that I still haven't sent patches and T-shirts like I should have, I know I haven't kept the unit website up like I should have... I know... I know... I know
         Inside me it's like a huge fear of losing.. nah not right... I'm not sure how to explain it, I'm not sure there are words that can describe it... if I put down the words, if I post the pictures, if I share the stories, if I share the feelings it all comes to an end. I've got to hold it inside, to protect it, to keep it, or it will all go away - disappear like they all did 40 years ago... not to be found, not to be able to share with - just a memory, a story, a faded picture or slide.
           I've been fighting this battle inside for 5 months now and for all the alcohol induced headaches, emotional heartaches, depression and stress induced insomnia I've finally came to the realization that I've been acting like an asshole - pardon the language. How dumb am I? What better way to celebrate the rekindled friendships than to plaster their pictures and their stories all over the place? What better way to overcome 1970's attitudes than to bury them with 2012's? Why should I hide like I did in 1971 and the following years? I'm getting to old to play games - particularly with myself!
            I made myself a promise to get rid of all the new/old baggage... get back to being the me I want to be.. easier said than done... but it shall be done!!! I owe that much to myself if not those around me...

HRMPF.... I hate it when I'm wrong... when there's seemingly no solution.... yet I love it when I find the way - the light at the end of the tunnel becomes brighter...
YEAH... feeling better.... just gotta follow through... gotta do it... get it done!!!! Ack... all this revelation without Jameson?!? LOL... Promise to post again within a week... or you can kill me!