It's late...

It’s late on a Friday night, had a few shots of Jack – more than I should have, but enough to let the words flow more freely. Not sure what I want to say, where the words should lead… Ramble on… feelin old – not ready to die “old”, maybe just tired – but a tired that sleep can’t fix. Wanna close my eyes for a night er a day er longer, wanna have my body wake with no aches, no pains… wanna have my mind be clear, no questions, no maybes, no what ifs… wanna have my heart in tune with the now, not the yesterdays of months and years gone by – pains n questions n lost loves – yet they are what made me what I am, I am nothing without them. Yet who am I? Where am I going?

Darkness

I know too well the darkness that I see and feel

I know the comfort that it brings to me

The isolation, the loneliness that seals me away

Yet I long for the sunshine, its brilliance and warmth

Its energy that I lack.

Dare I step from the shadows into the light?

So many things to be done along that path

Can I, do I have the strength to see them done

Would someone reach out, no, it is mine

My track to take, my footprints to make

Put the darkness behind me one last time

Deep inside I sense it will be a fruitless attempt

I know the light dies and darkness returns

I will begin again to struggle to wrench myself from its cloak

Again and again and again

But I will rise against it time after time

If only to see the light in the distance and dream of its embrace

To imagine the passion it holds for my being and soul

Tomorrow, tomorrow is my day, my chance

For now I will lay in the darkness hoping for that tomorrow…

Had enough…

Had enough,

Enough of the false sun and its imitation warmth,

Enough of the frigid breezes reaching to the bone,

Enough of the failing energy and aches and pains,

Enough of the nightmare nights and empty days,

Enough of clinging to small victories trying to evade the collapse,

Enough of building the façade in the morning to let it crumble each night,

Enough of sugar coated smiles and “hi how are you”s,

Enough of the ever expanding list of things never to be done,

Enough of falling further and further from the light,

Enough of knowing better yet indulging in the status quo,

Enough of filling the trash can with empties and butts and pizza boxes,

Had enough…

Depression is a terrible monster to have to fight, sapping your physical and mental strength while weighing heavily on your emotions. Some of us do so well at covering the damage, sealing the demon inside, showing no one. Expending what energy we have to make others believe we are what we are not. Struggling mightily to accomplish the world’s expectations while leaving less and less to help slay the dragon inside. Simple things become your Everest, your rock to push up the hill only to find another much larger and steeper on the other side. There is no place to rest, no turn to make, truly caught between the rock and a hard place. 

Run Away

Run away…

Get away, away from an empty house, a house concealing its emptiness behind sparking lights and shiny baubles hung on a counterfeit fir. A place filled with the stagnant melodies proclaiming the joyous season adding to the pretense. A jumbled mess of partially completed projects strewn here and there, corners with cobwebs catching the castoff lint of life – some gratefully hidden behind closed doors. Plaster and brick share the unwanted cold day with the spaces inside, dull gray light seeps in through the windows from outside.

Run away… from the oppressive void that steals the energy of each morning, from the litany of “to do’s” that never seem to get done, from the failures and the errors in judgment. Leave the chill that uncomfortably wracks your body dulling your senses and your mind. From the fear, the lies and falsehoods that everything is alright, the deceptions that you've convinced yourself and others are true. From the exhaustion, the loneliness, the hollowness that makes up every day, every hour, every minute of your depression.

Run away… to see the rising sun from a different perspective, to feel the radiance of a new day, in a new place. Absorb the spontaneous energy from exploring the unknown and savor the small treasures to be found. Abandon the rigidness in favor of impulsiveness, yet spend the daylight wisely. Share the reality of you with those you encounter and relish in their sincere reactions. Give in slowly to the twilight and the mounting darkness; carry the thrill of the day into your dreams.

Run away… only to return… this time…