Monday, December 10, 2012

Hello Again...

       I've let my writing slide, been spending a lot of time with my camera... among other things...Heck those are just excuses.. I was looking at the last couple of things that I posted and their dates. Haven't written a word here since July. I try to keep a journal of thoughts and ideas too... last entry was in July.
        July --- we had our little RVN reunion in July in Nebraska, me and a few of the guys from the 243rd. I saw friends I hadn't seen in 40 years... it was a truly awesome time. I hadn't felt so good about the time I spent in Vietnam in a long time. We all shared our stories, our memories, our disappointments. We all learned about the troubled times some of us have gone through over the last 40 years. The physical disabilities, the emotional issues, the hassles of putting the war away and getting on with life, trying so very hard to make things work, to establish a functional life in a society that hadn't totally accepted "us" or what we did. I thought at the time that I was one of the few to have "made it" without many - if any issues... maybe I was wrong?!? The people we met and that helped to host our get-together were magnificent... you couldn't have asked for any better treatment than what we received. It was very far from the experiences we had back in the 70's when we returned home.
        All that being said I didn't post a single picture here of the good times we had.... I didn't write a single word to share with you about how awesome it was to see and talk and hug and cry with guys I was so close to and still am... I struggle to answer why... I've known that this blog has sat vacant since then, I know that I still haven't sent patches and T-shirts like I should have, I know I haven't kept the unit website up like I should have... I know... I know... I know
         Inside me it's like a huge fear of losing.. nah not right... I'm not sure how to explain it, I'm not sure there are words that can describe it... if I put down the words, if I post the pictures, if I share the stories, if I share the feelings it all comes to an end. I've got to hold it inside, to protect it, to keep it, or it will all go away - disappear like they all did 40 years ago... not to be found, not to be able to share with - just a memory, a story, a faded picture or slide.
           I've been fighting this battle inside for 5 months now and for all the alcohol induced headaches, emotional heartaches, depression and stress induced insomnia I've finally came to the realization that I've been acting like an asshole - pardon the language. How dumb am I? What better way to celebrate the rekindled friendships than to plaster their pictures and their stories all over the place? What better way to overcome 1970's attitudes than to bury them with 2012's? Why should I hide like I did in 1971 and the following years? I'm getting to old to play games - particularly with myself!
            I made myself a promise to get rid of all the new/old baggage... get back to being the me I want to be.. easier said than done... but it shall be done!!! I owe that much to myself if not those around me...

HRMPF.... I hate it when I'm wrong... when there's seemingly no solution.... yet I love it when I find the way - the light at the end of the tunnel becomes brighter...
YEAH... feeling better.... just gotta follow through... gotta do it... get it done!!!! Ack... all this revelation without Jameson?!? LOL... Promise to post again within a week... or you can kill me!


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