What's a blog? Something to do between wash cycles...

Ha, no more dull dark background... pretty spiffy.. Maybe I'll come back more often?!?LOL
Sunday morning sunshine out the front window - what happened to the hurricane winds and swirling snow flakes that had everybody so traumatized for poor Peyton this evening? Of course, turn your head around here and the weather WILL change. Hmm that's enuf about football.

Soooooo what next?!? What is a blog supposed to be - err more important what's "MY" blog supposed to be? The older posts were literary delights to stimulate the senses, emotional expressions to twist the heart strings or dramatic descriptions of life changing events that I happened to put down on paper - err screen err monitor. Not necessarily to share or broadcast across the electron highway - more often than not what would have been a few scribbles on coffee - err whiskey stained scraps of paper kept hidden away and viewed occasionally for my own edification. An I would expect that will continue to be the case.

But shouldn't this be more? Maybe I should post a weekly summary of - nah that's what folks do on Facebook. Maybe share a recipe or two - nah that's what folks do on Facebook. Maybe champion a political candidate or cause - nah that's what folks do on Facebook. Ha... I know...I'll express my 2 - errr cents worth of... hmmm Wheres the damn cent sign? It should be out here on my keyboard not relegated to some innocuous hidden table, buried with the all those scientific symbols that no one really knows what they mean and don't use - kinda like that stuff you learned in high school physics. Hmmm the poor penny sign has lost it's significance - I guess nobody was using it on Facebook.

Oh crap, the washing machine is hungry - gotta go feed it a couple more socks n some change...

Later....

Take from me

I have not offered up words here in a long time and I do now with some reluctance. There was a time when baring my inside to be viewed, read, and contemplated by others seemed to serve a purpose, a need. And then it suddenly became more reasonable to hide, to keep the thoughts, the emotions, the dramatic adjectives hidden from all, including me. If it was not recorded in print or voice or image I could deny its existence, be they good or evil. Step away and renounce that anything was wrong, that nothing was beyond my ability to cope. I am not alone in this; many survive from day to day disavowing any hint of failure or disappointment regarding their choices and actions.

In the past I have described the subtle feelings surrounding me, from the brilliant star shine thrown into the darkened night sky to the anger I affixed to nature and her torment, as well as the comfort and contentment I shared with her. Those words have been hard to link together in recent weeks, difficult for me to see the joy or passion or insight others might find amongst them.

Take from me what you will, but balance it with your own reality. I caution those who would take my word strings, as unassuming as they may be in my mind and turn them into aspirations or desires of their own. Certainly simply opening your mind and body to the sounds, the images, the total awareness around you as you step out into the winter night, sit wrapped in the cloak of darkness amongst the objects in the room or watch the dust dance through the sun’s rays are not so significant. But when I write of the terrors and demons that approach me from untold hiding places do not make them your own. Do not follow my footsteps right upon left, they may lead you astray. Years of life and experience do not necessarily translate to wisdom.

The words that I might share in the future may startle those that think they know me or they may fall into the descriptive chains that I’ve been known for in the past. Makes no difference, the words will be mine, the feelings will be mine, the interpretation of them is left to you. See them, understand them as you will…

Had enough…

Had enough,

Enough of the false sun and its imitation warmth,

Enough of the frigid breezes reaching to the bone,

Enough of the failing energy and aches and pains,

Enough of the nightmare nights and empty days,

Enough of clinging to small victories trying to evade the collapse,

Enough of building the façade in the morning to let it crumble each night,

Enough of sugar coated smiles and “hi how are you”s,

Enough of the ever expanding list of things never to be done,

Enough of falling further and further from the light,

Enough of knowing better yet indulging in the status quo,

Enough of filling the trash can with empties and butts and pizza boxes,

Had enough…

Depression is a terrible monster to have to fight, sapping your physical and mental strength while weighing heavily on your emotions. Some of us do so well at covering the damage, sealing the demon inside, showing no one. Expending what energy we have to make others believe we are what we are not. Struggling mightily to accomplish the world’s expectations while leaving less and less to help slay the dragon inside. Simple things become your Everest, your rock to push up the hill only to find another much larger and steeper on the other side. There is no place to rest, no turn to make, truly caught between the rock and a hard place.