Darkness

I know too well the darkness that I see and feel

I know the comfort that it brings to me

The isolation, the loneliness that seals me away

Yet I long for the sunshine, its brilliance and warmth

Its energy that I lack.

Dare I step from the shadows into the light?

So many things to be done along that path

Can I, do I have the strength to see them done

Would someone reach out, no, it is mine

My track to take, my footprints to make

Put the darkness behind me one last time

Deep inside I sense it will be a fruitless attempt

I know the light dies and darkness returns

I will begin again to struggle to wrench myself from its cloak

Again and again and again

But I will rise against it time after time

If only to see the light in the distance and dream of its embrace

To imagine the passion it holds for my being and soul

Tomorrow, tomorrow is my day, my chance

For now I will lay in the darkness hoping for that tomorrow…

November Morning

Brilliant bright blue skies on this November morning filtering in the front window,

Illuminating the flecks of life tossed into the air from the billowing furnace grate,

Passing through the streams of energy you feel its radiance, the warmth that you've missed lately,

Pausing to draw the chair from the shadow into the spotlight, sit for a moment or two,

Enjoy the warm rays that seem to penetrate deep inside so quickly,

Out the window the blinding expanse of white crystals washes the world away,

Closing your eyes and clearing your mind for just a moment you steal from the day’s chores,

Only to be drawn back into reality by the empty cup in your hands,

Slipping from the chair you move on with a wry smile,

Glad you stopped - if even for just a few moments…

Late August

“Some days in late August at home are like this, the air thin and eager like this, with something in it sad and nostalgic and familiar… Man the sum of his climactic experiences… the sum of what you have… carried tediously to an unvarying nil… stalemate of dust and desire.” from The sound and Fury by William Faulkner…

Interesting that I should remember that passage just now as the darkness of an August night at home brings with it thoughts and memories in a melancholic mist filling my head. Not far off will be the celebration of another year of my existence, one I hope to keep limited to a few glasses of Irish whiskey, a playlist of decades old ballads and perhaps a fine slab of burnt beef. In the past year the days have seemed to grow longer and more tiresome with fewer shining lights and more oppressive clouds obscuring and dulling the brilliance that was promised with the rising sun. I suppose that’s the price one pays for choices made and paths taken… seemingly to have resulted in the dust and desire instead of something much more rewarding...

Come back to me

In the dark of the night alone,

Wanting, wishing… could you join me - here by my side?

Would you let me take your hand in mine?

Can you feel what I do just from my touch?

You are my savior, my muse, my love, my friend

You take the darkness from my soul, the tension from my being

You give me solace just by your glance, your smile

Your presence wraps around me like a fine down comforter

Memories of your soft touch, your sweet delicate scent envelope me

I want to touch your mind, your soul like you have touched mine

To whisper the words, to be the music, to be the gentle rain

That reaches deep inside of you the way you have done to me

Come back to me, come sit beside me

Let me take your hand in mine

In the dark of the night alone

I die again…

August night

The sky is dark with the night coming on quickly
The summer sunset is blocked by an invading cloud mass
Cracking and rolling across the sky the thunder announces the storm's presence
Accentuated by the flashes of electric blue randomly igniting the sky here and there
Reaching to ground in violent streaks of light and power
As the low guttural sounds crack and rumble the drops begin to fall
Slowly at first then in a torrent seemingly to escape the unsettled sky
To seek the apparent safety of the earth
Filling the gutters from the roof tops to finally melt away into the parched ground
Or drain from the hardened surfaces in panicked rivulets
The air is cold as it moves through the open front windows
Fresh, filled with the smell of the earth and electrified air
As quickly as the tempest erupted it subsides
The occasional roar has diminished to a quieted din off in the distance
Leaving behind a cool, fresh darkness meant for sleeping...

Spring Evening

Sitting out on the front porch gathering in the spring evening

The suns nearly down and the powdery blue sky begins to dim

There’s a slight caress of cool refreshing air helping to bring on the night

The cat daintily steps through spring’s promising foliage

Crouching now and then to pounce on an invisible foe

By now the sky has deepened in color

Beginning to reveal widely scattered muted points of light

The outline of the trees against the sky disappears

Night has arrived in its fullness

Cloaking the earth in serene shades of black

Here and there the hushed stars of a few moments ago surge in intensity

It is their sky tonight, the moon hidden away in the shadow of the earth

Long before their full presence can be seen time has grown short

Tomorrow pushes me from my front row seat

Perhaps I’ll see the full display another night…

Tomorrow is Monday

Monday follows all too quickly... the dark of the night weighs heavy as the sounds of civilization give way to natures song, the crickets n frogs in distant ponds begin to over shadow the traffic, the turned down sheets beckon with a smooth cool escape from the day's chaos, a respite in preparation for the new day to come, take me away - away to my dreams where I can reside for all too short a time, give me hope and strength to face the new day, let me re-charge wrapped in the darkness and the fresh and calm night air, cause tomorrow is MONDAY----- ACK!!!!!!

Father's Day 2014

Father's Day.... Not having had the experience of being one there's a bit of a void in my life. However the years I spent as a teacher make up for some of that. Buried somewhere in the archives here is something I wrote to my Dad a few years back... thought I'd re-post it today...

For you Dad...

I miss you Dad!
I miss your calloused hands that held mine and led me along life’s path,
Your arms that pulled me close to share your strength,
That sideways glance that said, “I’m here if you need me.”
I miss the smell of your after shave in the bathroom each morning,
That smack on the head that said you screwed up – but its okay,
The sound of your laughter that would fill the room,
I miss your grin of acknowledgement of something done well,
Your encouragement to try again after I struck out,
Admitting that you couldn’t have done better when I know you could and had,
I miss the times we talked – man to man,
When you shared your fears with me,
The rare occasions when I could lend my strength to you,
I miss you Dad,
I wish I’d told you a thousand – no – a million times more that I love you!
I wish…

Memorial Day 2014

         Haven't been here in a long while again... I'll fix that. Memorial Day 2014 seemed to be a bit different than those past. I still "did my thing" on Face book and Tumblr. Can't explain why but this "holiday" - poor choice to describe the day - holiday brings thoughts of fun and excitement and joy to my mind - and this day is not that kind of celebration, at least for me. This "memorial" day seemed to reach a bit deeper for some reason. 

           First it really pisses me off that I can stand out in my front yard and count the number of American flags displayed on one hand - hell on one finger. How ignorant and selfish are these people that are my neighbors? Do they not realize that what we have and what we enjoy as Americans has been protected by the sacrifice of over a million lives since the Civil War? Do they not care to recognize those that have given the ultimate gift to their country, their families, their friends and their brothers and sisters?

         Next I had to pick up a few things at the store earlier today. Only one of dozens of businesses that I drove past had an American flag displayed - a Vietnamese restaurant. Not Safeway, not Costco, not Home Depot, not Walgreens, not Wal-Mart, not Conoco, not MacDonald’s or the local banks - not even the post office ... and the list goes on. All fine "upstanding" American corporations that somehow forgot what has kept this country safe and whole and free so that they can reap their profits while "serving the needs and wants" of the people in this community. Its crap and what's even more disconcerting is that they were all open for business - except the post office and the banks. Certainly I could have gotten by without the few items I purchased - except maybe the Jameson--LOL. Enuf said...

          Standing out there today at Ft Logan National Cemetery in  the warm spring sunshine amongst 10's of thousands of white washed tablets, each marked with a name and a flag, was as emotional an experience as it has been before. Each time I survey the acres of stones so evenly placed, standing in formation as did each of the veterans whose resting place they mark, I marvel at the courage and honor and bravery and sacrifice they made. Certainly not all died in battle, but they pledged that same oath that I and millions of others have pledged - "I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God." And beyond that was the unspoken pledge to those they served alongside of. 

            Many stood in harm’s way and performed acts of heroism that are not recorded anywhere or rewarded with ribbons or medals, instead they have been kept close to the hearts and minds of those involved. How many were satisfied with the reward of a pat on the back or helmet and a sincere "thanks" from their buddies? How many stepped up when others hesitated, how many endured the bitter cold or oppressive heat, the lack of rations or ammunition, how many took their aircraft or artillery or armored vehicles to their limits and beyond - all in the name of freedom and liberty and honor and friendship and love? How many? Thousands of stories lay buried there and I know of all to few. 

             Today and in the last few days I spread across my Face book page and Tumblr blog dozens of pictures and quotes trying to raise the awareness of as many as possible. Some share in my feelings - most are my fellow vets, my buddies, my brothers. They know. I only hope that by sharing what I have that a few others have gained some small amount of caring, of recognition, of respect for what Memorial Day is really about. 

              To this day and hopefully forever - whenever the Star Bangled Banner is played I will be able to stand straight and true and salute my country and those that have kept it free. That tears will well up in my eyes at the sound of Taps, the pipes playing Amazing Grace or the images of another brother or sister being laid to rest. Just a few quotes to finish with…

              

               "In the heat of battle it ceases to be an idea for which we fight... or a flag. Rather... we fight for the man on our left and we fight for the man on our right... and when armies have scattered and when the empires fall away... all that remains is the memory

of those precious moments... we spent side by side." Paul Bennett

               "Leave no man be behind - Neither in the heaviest of firefights nor the wasteland of their own mind, Fighting demons that lurk in dark corners and follow, relentless, biting at heels and unguarded flanks, fraying the edges of sanity to ribbons with needle sharp teeth and vicious whispers. 

               A feast for doubt and despair that weakens even the strongest, for one cannot stand vigilant forever when war is left behind, but the battlefield remains in the heart and mind, forever indelible."   Rhi Etzweiler

              “When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.”  – LT Rorke quoting Tecumseh, Act of Valor (2012) 

Hmmmm time for sleep - may it come and be as gentle as the spring breeze out the front window...